


like the stars

by illrunwithyou



Series: angsty one shots [4]
Category: I-LAND (Korea TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Elimination, Gen, Hugging, being soft, most other trainees just mentioned, mostly just geonu centric, sad thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26057146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illrunwithyou/pseuds/illrunwithyou
Summary: They're going to shine like the stars.Post-episode 8
Series: angsty one shots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698694
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	like the stars

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO SAD THOUGHTS!
> 
> I really don't know what to put for the summary bro. I've been so sad about Geonu's elimination and I literally cried fo two days so far and I just kinda word vomited. I wrote this in a few hours and like always, I didn't proofread. 
> 
> I don't think anyone's going to see this but I'm going to write it anyways.
> 
> I tried to make it as accurate to episode 8 as possible, but I only watched it once cuz it hurt so much. So not everything may be right. 
> 
> ALSO, I love geonu. Everything that he's thinking is just what I typically think about myself and whenever I fail (my inferiority complex really came out). I DO NOT THINK THIS WAY ABOUT HIM. I love him and he deserves the world.

It was moments like these where Geonu wanted to disappear. It was moments like these where he just wished the ground would open up and swallow him already. There, under the blaring heat from all the lights, under the vicious stares of the producers and his fellow trainees alike, under the deafening sound of the MC’s voice. 

The pounding, the pounding of his heart. It was in his ears, in his head, all around the room. It felt weird, like the room was tilting and the lights that littered the stage were beating in sync with his heart. 

“Daniel” He never thought those three syllables could mean so much to him. These three syllables that made up his friend’s name. Friend. He never imagined that he would become friends with him. They were 5 years apart in age and according to Korean tradition, they shouldn’t be friends. But they were. 

Before he knew it, his head was in a soft chest and long arms wrapped around his neck. He automatically wrapped his arms around this giant baby. His baby. His Daniel. His Daniel who would be moving on instead of him. His Daniel who did better than him. 

He wanted to be sad. He truly did. He wanted to go home and cry his eyes out but he knew he couldn’t, because he was there. He was under all those lights and he was sweating. He was sure he looked terrible but right now, he just wanted to be in Daniel’s embrace. 

“Don’t cry like this after today. I hope you make a successful debut.” It hurt saying those words. It hurt especially since his heart felt like it was being ripped apart. But this wasn’t his time to be sad, to feel sorry, to feel pity about him being eliminated. This night was about them. It was about Daniel and Taki continuing. It was about the rest of the trainees’ journey through I-LAND. It was a happy night. But why did it feel like he wanted to cry? 

Heesung, Sunghoon, Jay, Jake, Niki, Hanbin, Daniel, Taki, Jungwon, K, Sunoo. 

It was a night of them. It is a night of celebrating their continuation onto the next test. Just the thought of having to face them gave him shivers that shook his hand as he took the mic. 

“.....I don’t remember you on stage…...facial expressions…….keep working hard.” He only heard bits and pieces of Bang PD’s words to him but that was all he needed. His eyes skimmed over the producers and he felt his breath stop in his throat. The sheer disappointment in them was so painful. He’s probably felt worse in his life, but this moment, this moment with the disappointment clouding their eyes. Their eyes coupled with something else. 

“Th-Thank you.” He managed to choke out into his mic and it sounded too loud and too soft all at the same time. 

Pain. They were hurting. Their eyes were also filled with pain. He wanted to scream at them. No, no, no no no no. This is supposed to be a happy night. They knew an elimination was coming, but not only an elimination but also 11 scores, 11 scores that should’ve been what they were talking about that night. It should’ve been what kept them up at night. They should’ve been beaming over their evaluations, happy that the producers said they improved, cuddling and whispering about the areas they could improve, their deep seated insecurities. That was what really should’ve been on their minds, not their hyung that could’ve done better but didn’t. He wanted to scream and drop to the floor and pound the floor and scream some more. But he did none of those. He gave the mic back nicely. He turned around. He walked towards those dreaded doors. He stepped inside. 

He knew he should’ve bowed, maybe one last smile, maybe one last handwave. But he couldn’t do any of that. He could only stand there and stare. 

The few seconds in there alone was when it all came crashing down. It couldn’t have been more than just a few seconds but that silence, that much needed silence, filled the air. It made the air heavier than he could handle. He felt like kneeling on the cold, dirty ground, but decided against it. He was going to have to wash this outfit and give it back anyways. That’s when it really sank in: that was the last time he is ever going to be in this place, the last time he will ever see his boys. He still had so much to say, so much to do, so much to laugh about. 

He wasn’t prepared for the sight he was faced with when the doors opened. He gave his biggest smile, feeling like it was engraved in his face. He was happy to see them. But they weren’t. Some of them tried. He could tell that they tried their hardest to smile back. Some of them didn’t, staring at him with two empty dark holes for eyes. It hurt. 

Taki came first, big eyes filled with tears and mouth filled with unsaid apologies. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. Hyung, I’m so so sorry.” Sorry for what? That went unsaid in the air between them. But at the look in his eyes, Geonu knew. 

Sorry that his team won, sorry that he himself wasn’t better, sorry that he was eliminated, sorry that they had to go on without him, sorry that they can’t debut together. 

Geonu wrapped his arms tightly around the boy and whispered in his ear, “You have nothing to be sorry for, baby. You did amazing. Go show them what they’re missing.” Taki’s eyes looked so sad, filled with too much pain for such a young boy, that he had to look away. Geonu’s cheeks were aching.

Heesung embraced him next. His boy, his same-aged friend, his partner in crime, his _ace_. Heesung was crying, crying so hard that the minimal makeup they applied started smearing onto his clothes. It felt like his heart was set on fire. He failed. He failed again. He made Heesung cry twice by being incompetant, by being eliminated. (What he didn’t know was how hard Heesung prayed that Geonu’s name would be called, how hard his hands were held together, how hard Heesung was staring at that wretched screen, and how hard he believed that it was not Geonu’s fault.) 

Wiping away his tears, he felt like the worst friend in the world. He felt like the only thing he could do is mess things up. The smile engrained on his face widened. At least without him, he won’t be able to hurt Heesung anymore. 

Looking up, he saw Jungwon wiping away his own tears. He pulled him into a hug, Jungwon’s head resting on his shorter hyung’s shoulders. He could hear his heartbeat, the rapid beating against his cool skin. This boy had grown on him, one of the most adorable additions to his life. They practiced together, fooled around together, shared their worst concerns with each other. But right now, all he needed was a hyung’s shoulder to cry on and he was there. That might be the least he could do for making him shed so many tears. 

“Let this be the last day you cry like this.” He had meant it sincerely, truthfully. But that somehow made him cry even harder, sobs almost uncontrollable. 

K turned around, his own tears painting tracks down his smiling cheeks. 

“I-LAND fighting!” They echoed the chant, blankly, empty. I-LAND, this program that had brought them together, pitted them against each other, but they were able to find love, friendship in this type of harsh environment. 

“Geonu, we need to see you.” The staff called, waiting for them to finish hugging. It hurt leaving. It hurt seeing them there, most of them crying. _You caused that._ His mind reminded him. Smiling bitterly, he sent hearts back to them, hoping to cheer them up. It was a good night, 11 trainees who got to stay on I-LAND, trainees who got to improve, who got compliments, who definitely gained new fans. Some laughed at his haphazard arms that barely even made the vague shape of a heart. It felt good to see their smiles, like a weight was lifted off, like even though he made them cry, maybe, just maybe, he can make them laugh. They deserved it, smiling, after such a tiring night. 

He walked into a room, a dark room with a single chair and way too many lights. He’s been here before. He knew where this was. This was where he was going to say goodbye. 

Taking a deep breath before nodding that he was ready, Geonu put on the widest smile he could muster. It was closed lipped this time. It felt like if opened his mouth, the dam in his eyes would break and he would start crying. He couldn’t do that, not to the staff who would have to comfort him, not to the fans who supported him, not for the members who loved him. 

His mouth had its own agenda, moving and saying words he’d seen countless others say as they were getting eliminated. 

_You let them down._ He tried to ignore that voice but it was getting louder and louder, getting harder and harder to tune it out, to push it to the back of his mind like he always did and squash it before any of the members would see. Now there would be no more hiding from that voice. 

“I hope the remaining members are able to go on to make a fabulous debut. Thank you and I love you.” He waved. He didn’t know if the sadness showed in his eyes, but he couldn’t care less. He just wanted to get this over with, this night filled with pain (the tears of his now ex-trainees), resentment (why couldn’t I have been better?), regret (I should’ve been more expressive), and humiliation (I could barely even stay strong in front of my trainees). 

When he was sitting at the bus station on his way home (he didn’t live that far from the show anyways), he looked up at the night sky. Although he was looking at it through the dirty plastic barrier of the bus station, it was still prettier than ever. The stars were twinkling at him, almost as they were winking. It was hypnotic. This was the most at peace he had been the entire night. His mind finally calmed down, it felt like its wheels were slowing down. He took a deep breath. 

Maybe what he said in that room was right. His friends will go on, be on stage, stay on stage, twinkle like the stars do in the middle of oceans of fans. They will go on, without him. They might fall out of touch, become strangers. But that is their path. His path is different. He’s going to make it no matter what.


End file.
